I'm not doing scores for everyone, for a number of reasons:

1) I might cry
2) I missed quite a bit of the last match because I was lost in some woods.
3) The world isn't fair, so it doesn't get my ratings. That'll teach it.
4) I might cry.

I will however rate Graeme:

Match points 110
Graemeyness points 674
Sveltness points 32

He gets 110 match points because that's his ten and everyone else's tens, seeing as no one else could be bothered to play cricket and Graeme did it all. That was a phenomenal innings, worthy of a win and certainly worthy of the man of the match award, (Owais Shah? Really? We're happy with that are we?). He scored half the runs (again) and one other person doing their job (whether bowler or batsman) would have secured that win.

Those Graemeyness points are because he was Graemey throughout, all biff-y and determined and so, *so* disappointed at the end. He's given up trying to explain why it happened again, because it's really nothing to do with him. Also, Micky Arthur clearly had to dash from the balcony to the dressing room to check he wasn't breaking anything important (like a bowler for instance).

It is about time they stopped making him do the post match conferences when they lose though. If they made the players who failed answer the inevitable questions, maybe it would make them buck up. ("So Jacques, when was the last time you contributed in a vital, pressure-filled situation?)

He's had more svelteness points before, I know. He was magnificently svelte this time, but almost to the point of being too svelte. It's getting quite hard to imagine him eating a Twix, and one of my favourite things in the world is imagining Graeme Smith eating a Twix.

Incidentally, if I were marking Strauss he'd get -4987. That's a lower mark than Jacques Kallis has ever received, and Jacques Kallis is related to Satan and has funny teeth. By all means refuse a runner because you want to win, but don't blame the umpires or the player concerned, and certainly don't try it when you've had your worst fucking fielder off the field for half the game. In fact, I'm still quite angry about this so I'm taking the ultimate step:

From this day forward StraussCat shall be officially known as BiffCat.
These are a bit late and short because I've had to spend my entire Sunday designing a training course on the Deprivation of Liberty Safeguards to the Mental Capacity Act (2005) Sadly, this means I am more equipped to comment on those than Neil McKenzie's trousers.

Australia v South Africa, 2nd One Day International, Hobart: in which they played at 3am GMT, I only watched bits of it but did not let this prevent me assigning random scores and being mean to Jacques Kallis )

March 2014

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