England v South Africa 1st Test
Jul. 14th, 2008 08:17 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
lemonbellaOkay, so this year I'm doing match ratings but for South Africa rather than England. I started doing them for England but they all came out below three with the phrase "not as attractive as he should be" next to them. And what's the point of doing that?
In which South Africa played like England for three days and then pulled themselves together.
Smith 9
*sigh* I'm fairly certain that there's not going to be a review this summer in which Graeme doesn't make me sigh like a teenaged girl. He orginally only got a 7 because of the whole "inserting the opposition and failing to get them out in a session" thing. However, you can't hold a captain responsible for his bowlers forgetting what a cricket ball is. Also, he got all aggressive and shouty with the umpires and there's really nothing as sexy as that.
He gets extra points because:
1) He did a fantastic interview in which he was slightly damp and incredibly honest - You never get a "we've got to put the ball in the right places" from him.
3) That century was superb and there's no man who leads from the front quite as well as him.
4) He must have given one hell of a team talk.
McKenzie 8
So, I have already confessed that I may have just a little bit of a crush on Neil McKenzie. And then he goes and bats like that and I lost all remaining sense of perspective. He gets extra points for standing on the balcony in a vest and a big hat. And for doing a special wiggly thing when he celebrate his century
Amla 7
Hashim gets at least six points for being very patient with Mike Selvey when he kept asking him about his beard in the Guardian interview. Another century, but he's not Graeme or McKenzie.
Kallis 4
Okay, you may need a little bit of background to my feelings towards Jacques Kallis. It would be too mild to say that I hate him: it's far more complicated than that. When I see Jacques Kallis, a yawning chasm of despair opens in my soul. He creates in me a spiritual void from which I can see no escape until he goes away and is replaced by a better South African. So, taking that all into account, 4 is quite a good score. He doesn't deserve a good score even if he wasn't a soul sucking demon because he batted like an idiot in both inningses. You can mentally turn that 4 into a 1. If ever there was an innings worthy of Jacques Kallis's very special ability to do absolutely nothings for seven and a half hours this was it.
By the way, if anyone knows *why* I feel the way I do about Jacques Kallis, please let me know. I feel certain that he's done something to me to make me feel this way, but I have no idea what. I'm presuming it was something he did on my first South African tour (1997), so if anyone can enlighten me it may help with the therapy.
Prince 8
I have no idea how he managed to hold himself together during that first innings, but he did.
DeVilliers 6
I don't like giving AB low marks in case he gets upset, but he shouldn't have got out when he did in the first innings. Also, he was reading a Jeffrey Archer novel. He'd have been deducted more points if he's been reading Nuts magazine - England take note - but still I hope he just found that novel on a tube train or something. He gets one extra point for kissing Morne Morkel.
Boucher 5
I can't not like Mark Boucher, especially since he's become short and round enough to join Kent. His batting should have been better though. However, he's saved from a lower mark because he stood on a chair to clap Smith's century.
Harris 5
I feel sorry for Harris. He's a South African spinner, so he's already starting off with the cricketing equivilent of one arm. He bowled a lot and actually his figures aren't that bad.
Morkel 4
I honestly don't know what was going on with the bowlers, they collectively lost it. I hope Graeme's team talk (which I'm fairly certain should be renamed a team yell) has suitably shamed them.
Steyn 5
I'd give Steyn lower marks, but I suspect Smith used the word "disappointed" and "let yourselves down" during the team talk, so he's been punished enough. Bowling wise he should have been given less than Morkel because his bowling was frighteningly benign, however, he gave an interview in which he casually stated that he used to live in a house with five other men and only three beds, and that shouldn't go unrewarded.
Ntini 3
It pains me to mark Ntini low, but his bowling was the least impressive and he's usually excellent at Lords. I'm a bit worried he might have lost his nip. Also, he didn't seem to be making all the fantastically cheery noises that he usually does, and the team needed them.
Nella 8
I know Nella wasn't playing but he clapped everyone's centuries and was very good at carrying drinks.
Okay, just imagine what their scores will be when they win.
In which South Africa played like England for three days and then pulled themselves together.
Smith 9
*sigh* I'm fairly certain that there's not going to be a review this summer in which Graeme doesn't make me sigh like a teenaged girl. He orginally only got a 7 because of the whole "inserting the opposition and failing to get them out in a session" thing. However, you can't hold a captain responsible for his bowlers forgetting what a cricket ball is. Also, he got all aggressive and shouty with the umpires and there's really nothing as sexy as that.
He gets extra points because:
1) He did a fantastic interview in which he was slightly damp and incredibly honest - You never get a "we've got to put the ball in the right places" from him.
3) That century was superb and there's no man who leads from the front quite as well as him.
4) He must have given one hell of a team talk.
McKenzie 8
So, I have already confessed that I may have just a little bit of a crush on Neil McKenzie. And then he goes and bats like that and I lost all remaining sense of perspective. He gets extra points for standing on the balcony in a vest and a big hat. And for doing a special wiggly thing when he celebrate his century
Amla 7
Hashim gets at least six points for being very patient with Mike Selvey when he kept asking him about his beard in the Guardian interview. Another century, but he's not Graeme or McKenzie.
Kallis 4
Okay, you may need a little bit of background to my feelings towards Jacques Kallis. It would be too mild to say that I hate him: it's far more complicated than that. When I see Jacques Kallis, a yawning chasm of despair opens in my soul. He creates in me a spiritual void from which I can see no escape until he goes away and is replaced by a better South African. So, taking that all into account, 4 is quite a good score. He doesn't deserve a good score even if he wasn't a soul sucking demon because he batted like an idiot in both inningses. You can mentally turn that 4 into a 1. If ever there was an innings worthy of Jacques Kallis's very special ability to do absolutely nothings for seven and a half hours this was it.
By the way, if anyone knows *why* I feel the way I do about Jacques Kallis, please let me know. I feel certain that he's done something to me to make me feel this way, but I have no idea what. I'm presuming it was something he did on my first South African tour (1997), so if anyone can enlighten me it may help with the therapy.
Prince 8
I have no idea how he managed to hold himself together during that first innings, but he did.
DeVilliers 6
I don't like giving AB low marks in case he gets upset, but he shouldn't have got out when he did in the first innings. Also, he was reading a Jeffrey Archer novel. He'd have been deducted more points if he's been reading Nuts magazine - England take note - but still I hope he just found that novel on a tube train or something. He gets one extra point for kissing Morne Morkel.
Boucher 5
I can't not like Mark Boucher, especially since he's become short and round enough to join Kent. His batting should have been better though. However, he's saved from a lower mark because he stood on a chair to clap Smith's century.
Harris 5
I feel sorry for Harris. He's a South African spinner, so he's already starting off with the cricketing equivilent of one arm. He bowled a lot and actually his figures aren't that bad.
Morkel 4
I honestly don't know what was going on with the bowlers, they collectively lost it. I hope Graeme's team talk (which I'm fairly certain should be renamed a team yell) has suitably shamed them.
Steyn 5
I'd give Steyn lower marks, but I suspect Smith used the word "disappointed" and "let yourselves down" during the team talk, so he's been punished enough. Bowling wise he should have been given less than Morkel because his bowling was frighteningly benign, however, he gave an interview in which he casually stated that he used to live in a house with five other men and only three beds, and that shouldn't go unrewarded.
Ntini 3
It pains me to mark Ntini low, but his bowling was the least impressive and he's usually excellent at Lords. I'm a bit worried he might have lost his nip. Also, he didn't seem to be making all the fantastically cheery noises that he usually does, and the team needed them.
Nella 8
I know Nella wasn't playing but he clapped everyone's centuries and was very good at carrying drinks.
Okay, just imagine what their scores will be when they win.
