lemonbella | England v South Africa 2nd Test (Reply)

Smith 8 (20) Graeme now has to be given two scores, one for his cricket and one for his essential Graemeyness.

In the cricket department he gets 8 because he didn't get a century, but his captaincy was excellent; he was deliberately shouty and pointy in the field and had obviously told other people to be louder too. Also, he sat in the rain for an hour and a half zipped up inside his rain jacket, just so he could cheer AB.

For his Graemeyness he gets 10 because he leapt and cheered and wore three jumpers because he's not in Africa and he found beer snakes incredibly funny. And he leant right over the balcony to give Dale Steyn batting instructions. He gets another 10 for appearing in the tunnel wearing his skin tight undershirt. The general world of cricketing photography gets deducted 37 points because I can't beleive we've never seen it before.

McKenzie 7 He didn't get many runs in the first innings but he did hit a wonderful four in the second. His trousers fell down when he dived for a catch, so he gets extra for that.

Amla 7 It's hard to judge batsmen when there was only one innings, but Amla did pretty well to compose himself after the non-catch debacle. Also without him we'd have never seen Graeme in his skin tight thing.

Kallis 2 This is actually quite diffiuclt to score because on the one hand he's not getting any runs, but on the other hand that also means I don't have to watch him. There was some suspicious patting, so I've gone with the bad score.

Prince 9 and a half His century was absolutely fantastic and yet again he kept his head when everything was going a bit nuts. The half point deduction is because he should have got his 150 so I could've cheered him.

de Villiers 9 I don't give a crap about the catch that wasn't: it was referred and Vaughan and England were at their sanctimonious worst. To come out to bat and score as steadily and perfectly as he did was an amazing feat given the reception he got and the pressure he was under. His willpower when he was stuck on 99 and being peppered by Flintoff was exceptional. He's been a strong one day player for a long time, but this was definitely his coming of age as a test batsman.

Boucher 8 Boucher's partnership with de Villiers was very important. However, he gets most of his points for screaming when KP got out and for thoughtfully keeping Tim Ambrose aprised of other wicket keepers' county scores.

Morkel 8 and a half The bowlers had all improved 300% on Lord's, so none of them can get below 7. Morkel gets his points for being so huge that the drunken hecklers sitting behind us would only heckle him very quietly, lest he hear them. He also gets an extra half point for giving Dale Steyn a kiss when he asked for one.

Harris 7 Wore a floppy hat and chased a beach ball around the outfield. Managed to stay composed when confronted by a naked streaker.

Steyn 9 Got important wickets in the first innings, and made Michael Vaughan look ridiculous. He got all growly and had to be restrained on several ocassions. Also, almost killed James Anderson. It's not that I don't like James Anderson, just that I expect my bowlers to try and kill people. And he asked Morkel for a kiss live on TV.

Ntini 9 I'm so happy Ntini seems to be getting his thing back. South Africa aren't South Africa without Ntini. He called a special fast bowlers meeting during one fo the drinks breaks, so he gets extra for that.

Nella 8 Nella gets an 8 because when he was bringing drinks and towels out in a hurry he jumped straight over the fence instead of waiting for the man to open the gate. That's commitment to the team.

Micky Arthur 8 Arthur gets a score this time around for going on TV and invoking cricketing gods. You don't get that from Peter Moores.