England v South Africa 4th Test The Oval

[lemonbella]

Smith 10 (32)

Graeme didn't get many runs, but you can't really blame him for that. For evermore he will automatically gets 4 points, simply because of how wonderful that innings at Edgbaston was. He gets to 9 because he got hit in the knackers and had to take a few minutes to lie down quietly and adjust things. It was very dignified. Later on he sat on the balcony in his pants: That's what gets him to the 10. For the record, whenever Graeme appears in public in his pants, he's going to be awarded 10 points.

He gets a Graemeyness score of 32 because he announced that he was going to take the Basil D'Olivera trophy to bed with him. This was the premier example of the "South Africans Being Exactly Like They Are In Our Heads" game that indian_skimmer and I regularly play. This game is going so well that I'm convinced that one day we're going to stumble across some very comprimising pictures of Graeme Smith and one, if not all, of his players.

McKenzie 7

He didn't get enough runs, but he's being sent home now so I can't give him a low score. Most of that score is because, when Graeme got hit in the knackers, McKenzie stood at a safe distance (just out of reach of Graeme's foot) and mocked him. He also gets extra for doing an impression of Kallis bowling into the wind.

Amla 8

His runs in the second innings were crucial, but he should have gone on - they might have won the match if he had. He's still excellently cool, though, and ran away from AB when he tried to spray champagne at him.

Kallis 5

His cricket doesn't deserve that mark, but he's getting it because he's been rubbish all series and that makes me happy. I think I may now have to Officially Like Jacques Kallis. On the other hand, he did let McKenzie do an impression of him running into the wind, yet again raising the possibility that Kallis is Funny. I desperately don't want Kallis to be Funny.

In short, my position on Jacques Kallis continues to be confusing.

Prince 8

Prince gets lower marks for his actual batting, but at the end he let himself be leapt on and only got his hands on the trophy because Graeme had a shinier one to hold, so he deserves points as conmpensation.

de Villiers 9

This would have been quite an humiliating defeat without AB's innings. However, that's not why he gets most of his points. He gets most of his points because he wrote a big sign saying "M.Morkel" and tried to afix it to the groundsmen's shed, only to be thwarted by a member of staff. Also, he did an interview in which he kept having to pause and look up so he could try and think of the English words.

Boucher 6

Leapt around very well, even if his batting wasn't up to much. He gets extra points because he prompted Shaun and Nasser to have a conversation entitled "the sneakiness of Mark Boucher".

Morkel 9

His bowling doesn't deserve that really because he was horribly wayward on the final morning when they could have made England panic like startled mongooses. However, you can't give anything but 9 points to a man who walked off the field in the wrong place and had to walk all the way around the edge to get back to the dressing room whilst all his team mates and most of The Oval laughed at him. If I played international cricket, that's so what I would end up doing.

That would have got him a 10 but he bowled a ball to second slip that gave me a flashback to last winter.

Harris 7

His bowling was actually pretty good and I don't understand why commmentators are so mean to him. Had a special hug with Graeme when their plot to dismiss Pietersen succeeded. I like that they plot together and it's good that Harris is willing to learn from the side's premier spinner.

He was pretty impressive in his batting, and should be coming in above Morkel on the evidence of this series. Especially given that when he got out he behaved like a real batsman and looked all grumpy. He's obviously practised that.

Nella 6

It's a bit upsetting that Nella wasn't better. He won't like having a 6. He still gets something because I suspect he celebrated Edgbaston for five days straight, so it's understandable he didn't bowl too well. Also, I'm convinced he set off that fire alarm that made the hungover South Africans have to sit on a Birmingham pavement at 4 am. In my head they were all wearing their special south african pyjamas.

Ntini 8

Seemed to improve as the series went on and if there'd been someone accurate at the other end, may have had nore success in this match. He gets at least 5 for saying 'fuck' really loudly near the stump mike so David Gower had to explain that he was 'displeased'.

Steyn 6 and a half

I didn't see him carry drinks once. Maybe people weren't thirsty. He shouldn't be penalised because people weren't thirsty.

Herschelle 8

Herschelle gets 8 points for appearing on the balcony looking all Herschelley. He'd get 10, but he wasn't batting and batting's what Herschelles do best.

Comments

[make-a-move.livejournal.com]

What do Special South African Pyjamas look like?

[lemonbella.livejournal.com]

They're navy blue and fleecy.

[make-a-move.livejournal.com]

I see. Warm enough for those cold English nights.

...it has just sunk in that you said Graeme sat on the balcony in his pants. I am going to think about this fact. For a while.

[lemonbella.livejournal.com]

Exactly, but not so cumbersome that it stops them running around the hotel chasing each other. They do that alot in my head as well.

There was a lot of thigh. It's worth thinking about.

[kale-hunni.livejournal.com]

I really like your ratings! Made me laugh so much.

[lemonbella.livejournal.com]

Glad to be of service! There's others for the previous games and I should be able to doing some for the ODI's as well, so you can stick around. Especially if you're going to bring icons of hugging with you.

[sophia-silfaery.livejournal.com]

Do more! They make me larf!

[lemonbella.livejournal.com]

I meant to do some for the first ODI, but I had to turn off as it was upsetting me. There should be some for tomorrow's.