lemonbella | Australia v South Africa First Test

Graeme 10 (57) [13]
Graeme gets a batting score of 10, obviously. There really is no end to how excellent his batty-ness is. He just hits and thwacks and then bashes it a bit to the left of where he hit it last time, because there was a fielder in the way. And he still manages to look mildly affronted whenever something doesn't go to the boundary. Also, South Africa have never lost when he's scored a 100 in the last innings: It must help to know you have a lucky charm opening the batting or you.

He gets a Graemeyness score of 59 for rushing through his handshakes at the end of the match so he could chase after AB and give him a hug. Also, quite a lot of those points are for the 10 minutes he stood on the balcony during a rain break pointing to various parts of his body and getting a man to massage them: That's the reason Graeme became captain. There's also 5 points thrown in there for his hearty laugh when Mark Taylor suggested he might not play at Melbourne.

I've added a new score for Graemey Sveltness, because it's special and deserves to be recognised. He gets a 13, because his sveltness went well with the wind (which made all his clothes clingy) and even managed to show itself off under the new kit tank tops.

McKenzie 5
It hurts to score McKenzie low, because my crush on him knows no bounds. However, he was curiously out of sorts, so much so that I'm fairly convinced he had a bet with Graeme about how long he could go without scoring a run. He gets 5 because he wasn't afraid to heckle the Australian crowd, and I like that in a person.

Amla 8
Every time I watch Amla I like him more. He could have done with going on in the second innings, but he's clearly embraced the hugging inherent to the South African team and was a worthy congratulant when Graeme got his 100. Also, he made Graeme laugh on the balcony when everything was getting a bit tense.

Kallis 2(7) That second number is the score he would have got if he wasn't a Soul-Sucking Being from the Underworld. He gets the 2 because I had an agreement that I would say something nice about him if he got a 100 and they won, and he didn't so I don't have to.

deVilliers 20
AB was going to get a 10 for the fantastic home video in which he tells Graeme he wants footage of him for the nights when he's away. However, his batting was so excellent that he gets another 10 too. And I'll carry some over into the next match, so he can afford to get out for 3 if he wants.

Duminy 8
I like JP Duminy, not least because Paul Allot insists on calling him "PJ". I liked him extra in this match because all the Australian commentators were incredibly dismissive of him, and continued to be surprised when he did what he always does by hitting balls, running and then ocassionally thwacking a six when no one is paying enough attention to him. It's a bit sad that he won't get to keep his place when Prince is fit, but it's comforting to know that they have someone to step in when Dale's been a bit ferocious in the nets.

On a side note, Chris Adams on Sky announced that "no one knew much about Duminy", which is a load of rubbish. Anyone who watches South African cricket knows about Duminy, the only people who don't know about Duminy are overpaid pundits who turn up to work without doing so much as a google search worth of research.

Boucher 7
Boucher was excellently Boucheresque in this game. And Boucheresque is definitely an adjective I'm going to use more. Despite clearly forgetting to pack his razor, he's getting most of his points for the excellent nonfineable dissent he showed to the umpires, by telling Graeme very loudly and in earshot of Aleem Dar what a rubbish decision he thought it was. There's an extra point in there for squeezing graeme so tightly in celebration that a commentator remarked, "there may be an injury in that huddle".

Harris 8
One day everyone is going to stop saying that Paul Harris can't bowl. It will probably be when he has 8000 test wickets. Paul Harris can bowl just fine. Significantly better than the Australian spinner. Also, no amount of wickets can beat the fact that he and Graeme *make plans*. He gets an extra point for giving AB a special congratulatory speech and pat and for explaining in an interview that he slaps Dale Steyn when he's not bowling well enough.

Morkel 5&1/2
I'm a little tiny bit worried about Morkel's bowling, but I'm not dwelling on it. He gets his points for sitting nervously on the balcony, *exactly* like he did at Edgbaston, hoping very, very hard that he's not going to be required to bat. Also, there's an extra half point for prompting to Richie Benaud to comment that he's a "very good fielder....for a giant"

Steyn 6
Dale seems to have lost the ability to run through the opposition's tail in three minutes. I'm not sure whether that's a bad thing, or just that he's been so excellent for the last two years, and now he's just becoming a mortal again. He wasn't quite growly enough in this match, so I hope Harris slaps him before the next one. He gets an extra point for being absent from the celebrations because he was clearly on Big Foamy Bath duty.

Ntini 8&1/2
After a bit of a lacklustre tour of England, It was fantastic to see Ntini rip through batsmen like he should do. Particularly when they're Australian Batsmen. That never gets boring. Also, he was bouncing around on the balcony long before any of the others were willing to think about winning and you can't beat that kind of confidence.

Prince 7
Prince frightened me by getting injured, because I like his calming presence in the middle order. However, he was very supportive in his clapping and when Graeme got his 100, he clearly told everyone that he knew that was going to happen.

And finally,

Dear Mr Ponting,

You should probably be a little careful about making pointed speeches about the team having too many "passengers" and about the need for "personnel changes". The two most noteable passengers in this match were yourself and Matthew Hayden. Feel free to pack your bags at any time.

No love, me.

P.S. Chokers