Australia v South Africa Second Twenty20, Brisbane.

[lemonbella]

Herschelle 8

Oh Herschelle. He looked all sad. The world is not a good place when Herschelle looks all sad. And it's not his fault that they only let him play with a tennis ball against the fence for the last month. He still gets points because he's Herschelle, and if he gets low points he looks all wan and wide eyed and I can't face it.

Also I do wish the commentators would do some research, or watch some cricket matches, or failing that think about what they're saying rather than just let words fall out of their mouth. Do you think it's possible that South Africa's "big hitter at the top of the order" might be Herschelle Gibbs? You know, the one who won the 438 game against you. Or, come to think of it, do you think South Africa's "big hitter at the top of the order" might be Graeme Smith? You know, the one who won the test series against you? Could it be at all possible that the reason they look like they're "missing the right people at the top of the order" is because they are?

Herschelle will get better. *is confident*

Imaginary Graeme 34

Imaginary Graeme had pizza whilst he watched the game this time. It had extra stringy cheese on it and he had to lick tomato sauce off his cast.

He's a bit annoyed because he asked CSA for a man to come and stand next to him and take notes of his thoughts, given that he can’t take notes himself, but they refused. He's left a message on Paul Harris' phone to see if he'll do it.

Amla 6

Well, what do you expect? Amla's had to be the calm, reassuring one all summer. You can’t stick him at the top of the order and suddenly expect fireworks. He'd have scored loads if they'd let him stand there all day like he wanted to.

Boucher 8

Yes, he did make a keeping mistake. But it's possibly the only one he has ever made. Ever. So we're not mentioning that. He gets 4 points for being utterly confused by McKenzie constantly chatting to himself whilst standing next to him. He shouted "What?" twice when McKenzie was just imparting his wisdom to the commentators.

Ultimately, though, he gets such a high score for suggesting on his website that women were throwing themselves at Graeme "the bravest man in world cricket"tm.

Duminy 27

Dear Australians, however much you patronise this guy and pretend you're just being nice to the cute little new South African batsman, he will continue to remind you of these three things:

1) He is better than you
2) He is younger than you
3) He is cooler than you

He gets extra because all my text messages from indian_skimmer updating me on the game kept referring to "Fuminy" and it took me 4 before I realised who it was.

There's an extra 17 in there for that catch. I could probably add "he is leapier than you" to that list. If leapier was a word.

Van Jaarsveld 4

I'm not panicking because Graeme told me not to. It's possible someone should tell Van Jaarsveld that as well.

Older Morkel 6

He needs to start doing that special batting thing again. I liked his special batting thing.

McKenzie 311

Oh! I *love* Twenty20 McKenzie. Look at him! He's all stripy!

He gets special points because he kept getting pushed down the order, despite clearly being a big hitting finisher. He's just trapped in a placid blocker's body, that's all.

And he gets an additional 302 points for being funny on the commentating microphone. He's not as funny as Graeme, but significantly funnier than Ponting, which is the important bit.

Trotsky 1

I wouldn’t ever expect that score to change if I were you. He gets 1 because he's not Jacques Kallis, but he loses 9 because he's not Graeme. If I have to be nice, I might point out that his bowling was quite good. Not as good as Graeme's would have been, obviously, because he's their real frontline attacking spin bower.

Steyn 7

Dale, Dale, Dale. He's been planning that ball since AB had to be carried up some steps. I suspect he's had to bowl at a cardboard cut out in the nets because none of his team mates would dare go up the other end.

Also, being a senior player clearly suits him. He's gone all fluffy-haired.

Larger Morkel 7

He got wickets, but mostly he gets those points for being Santa. He inherits AB's points, because AB sat in a big coat in the stand behind where he stood on the boundary, just so he could chat to his friends.

Also, the commentators have just resorted to calling him "huge"

Parnell 5

I miss Lopsy. And this guy has funny hair. I am remaining calm. I suspect when Graeme told me to remain calm he wasn't just talking about the results but also about that fact that some of the newcomers won’t have had a chance to develop suitably international hair.

I've given him 5 because my gut reaction is to give him 0 and I suspect that because in my head he's Not Ryan McClaren. He could have been Ryan McClaren. Ryan McClaren has fabulous hair.

Comments

[lemonbella.livejournal.com]

Neil Mckenzie's voice is much more South African than you'd expect

I missed dancing Makhaya. I shall rewind and check for him

[indian-skimmer.livejournal.com]

They have excellent accents but apart from Graeme they all seem to have had a terrible accent-based accident at some point and picked up the wrong ones. You have to try and work out who they've swapped with and what they should sound like really.

[lemonbella.livejournal.com]

Graeme clearly got the right accent. I think maybe McKenzie and Harris should have each others

[indian-skimmer.livejournal.com]

You think> Harris's is quite... manly.

[lemonbella.livejournal.com]

I'm rising above that.

Neil McKenzie clearly has someone else's voice so we need to keep a look out for his.

Duminy has his own voice.

[indian-skimmer.livejournal.com]

You think we need to look for someone a lot more English?

It's not that McKenzie isn't manly, as such. Well it is. It's entirely that. But it's more that he's clearly not as manly as Harris.

[lemonbella.livejournal.com]

Not English necessarily, just more mildly south african. And a little bit deeper.

[indian-skimmer.livejournal.com]

One! *One* text where I forgot to press + and you got a Fuminy instead of a Duminy. If you're going to be mean about my texts you won't get any more.

I'm nominating 'leapier' as a word. It's a word I need far more than lots of other actual words.

[lemonbella.livejournal.com]

I'm not being mean about the texts, I was highlighting that I was being incredibly dim. I genuinely thought that was the name of the new bowler.

[indian-skimmer.livejournal.com]

Was it a pepperoni pizza? Or barbecue chicken?

[lemonbella.livejournal.com]

Pepperoni. Barbeque Chicken makes him think of Herschelle.

[make-a-move.livejournal.com]

I am sad that I did not get to hear the fabulous voice and jokes of Neil McKenzie. [Bad username or site: @ livejournal.com] texted me to tell me he was rather wonderful.

I am also sad I never got to hear Commentating Microphone Graeme. However, I make up for it by imagining it in my head. He's very good.

Paul Harris may take notes for Graeme if he gets some of the pizza, if not a whole pizza.

[lemonbella.livejournal.com]

Commentator Graeme is fantastic. He's on the 438 DVD I think, because he's all funny and drops a catch and lets people take the piss out of him. And then in the second half they had to talk to Ponting and he was all dull and miserable.