SA v England 4th Test - Johannesburg

[lemonbella]

Graeme 10 45619 3896

His biffing was marvelous. No one produces Necessary Biffing like Graeme.

Graemeyness is high because there was pointing and patting and an incredibly intimate hug with Morne Morkel. Also because he was so lovely in his post-match speech he made Mark Boucher cry. Yes, Mark Boucher. There’s extra points because when he was interviewed after the review thing he made journalists laugh and then told them he’d come to talk about batting. Graeme loves talking about batting. Who wouldn’t want to talk about batting?

Also, stage 14 of the Graeme Smith Special Plan for Taking Over the World came to fruition this match, (to recap: Stage 14 is “grind everyone down until the like you”). The sky commentators (all people who spent Graeme’s first four captainly years saying how rubbish he was, how terrible and unsustainable his batting technique was, what an appaling person he was, and how he didn’t deserve the captaincy) spent the entire match saying how incredible he is, how fantastic his biffing is and how utterly stunningly stupendous he is to have lasted in the captaincy this long. “I lasted 5 years and it mentally crushed me” – atherton.

God, Graeme was svelte this match. Really, incredibly svelte. And his hair was all young-debutant captain hair, except with added captainlyness. His svelteness often makes me enthusiastic, but this time it just took me into a very happy place. We’ll leave that there.

Prince 7

Prince’s batting all series has been poor and he’s clearly not an opener. But it’s not his fault he can’t compete with the necessary coolness quotient for the #6 berth. He gets 7 a) because he’s not Ian Bell and b) becauase he clearly spanked Wayne Parnell. Cricinfo said there were rumours Parnell needed discipline (*).

Amla 9

Hashim’s slowly adjusting to the patting. He hugged Graeme for his 100 rather than just shaking his hand. Was calm as always. Oh yes, and took a match winning catch in the first ball of the game.

Kallis 7

Things are changing. I’m not sure how I feel. Last match I felt a pang of sympathy as Kallis watched Onions celebrate a draw. This match I was only momentarily angry at Kallis getting out and making me panic. Also, I imagined him being funny when presented with a fridge. This is an unsettling time.

AB 9

His batting was vitally important, and he produced his performance enhancing cramp just the right time. He had his work cut out congratulating bowlers this match but never once forgot the new people.

Duminy 7

Even in a time of run drought, Duminy focusses his coolness on his bowling. His first ball wicket made Graeme giggle. Producing giggly Graeme gets you 5 points by itself.

Boucher 23

No one deserved a century more than Bouch, but his committment to the team won through in the end. Graeme punched the balcony because he was so disappointed on his behalf.

He gets 7 for crying in the post match ceremony and making everyone around him feel slightly awkward.

There’s an extra 6 for getting a fridge as a prize for getting 5000 test runs. I’d like to think they all get paid enough to be sufficiently equipped in the white goods department, but maybe not. I’m looking out for cheap south african fridges on Ebay just in case

Ryan 118

110 of those are because he’s a Friend of Geraint and I’ve seen him eat melon. He got a wicket and some significant runs and most importantly got Boucher some runs. Ryan knows how important keepers are. He got patted too.

Larger Morkel 432

I think I might love the larger Morkel. He wasn’t worrying at all this time and clearly responded to being released back into the wild for a while. Also he got all fast bowlery and fierce with Andrew Strauss. Atherton said “he’s usually such a polite young man”.

Steyn 437

I’ve always loved Dale. He was fabulous and Dale-y and and had Plans. Also, he leapt much higher than ever before. He gets 6 more points than the larger Morkel because he let Morne keep the man of the match award because Morne gets the “more better batters” out.

Parnell 10

Would get full marks even without wickets because Graeme was very excited about having new bowlers to point at.

Shaun gets 10 for being the Best Commentator *ever*. He loves Graeme, and is a bit jealous of Nasser’s man crush, and he hid Nasser’s shoes and giggled alot. He drew a special informative diagram of rain on the telecaster. It had lightening and clouds and everything. Also he said he didn’t mind chitchat from bowlers providing it didn't contain “curse words”. *pats Shaun* how did you ever cope in that dressing room?

(*) I can say that now because Parnell is no longer officially a teenager.



In a special one off feature, I bring you a new match review segment:
1. Nothing about the review system is responsible for you being all out for 180 and 162.
2. Strauss, if you want to be the best international captain the rule is pretty simple: whenever a choice is presented, ask yourself “What would Graeme Smith Do?”.
Q:Would Graeme Smith tour Bangladesh? A: You will have to prise the captaincy out of Graeme’s cold, dead hands.
Q: Would Graeme Smith play Ryan Sidebottom? A: Graeme has standards. And possibly ideal measurements and required hair styles.

Comments

[indian-skimmer.livejournal.com]

It mahy because I haven't yet seen the special hug or the batting or Boucher getting sniffly and being given a fridge but so far Shaun's little diagram of rain was my favourite thing about this match.

[lemonbella.livejournal.com]

It's petty near the top. Boucher being sniffly wins for most surprising

[sophia-silfaery.livejournal.com]

I didn't see Mark cry :o I am clearly not observant enough.

I am majorly in crush with Morne though :) He makes go awwww sooooo often.

[lemonbella.livejournal.com]

the cameraman probably felt quite awkward too, so he cut away quite quickly.